Thursday, 24 April 2014

It may be a snail's pace, but it's MY pace.



Before I started my own, I read so many blogs. My 'blog time' was usually Saturday morning; I'd brew some coffee, get some toast or snacks and hunker back down in my cosy warm bed, scrolling and reading for several hours. They are partly what inspired me to start my own blog. I'd wanted to write one for so long and yet, now that I have my own blog, I don't read others nearly as much. This is partly due to time - blogging is really time consuming, so after spending hours prepping my own posts, the last thing I want to do is spend any more time looking at the computer screen. And it's also partly because sometimes other blogs make me feel bad about myself.

This is in no way the fault of the authors - it is entirely the fault of cancer barging its way into my life and leaving me what feels like miles behind everyone else. I have a period of about two years that are just a black hole. In my mind's timeline, it's still 2012, yet in reality two years have passed. Two years of everyone living their lives, whilst I was fighting for mine. Little else existed during that time and it's only really now that I'm able to start to piece things back together. I feel a bit like someone who's been kept back two years at school. I'm so far behind in terms of technical skills, programme knowledge, networking, not to mention my life path, home life, career. 

I know all of these things take time, but when you've had cancer, time is something you're very aware that you may not have much of. Not to mention the ongoing side effects and general aftermath of cancer treatment, which sticks around long after the medicine stops. I have very limited energy with which to get everything done day to day and when I see other bloggers (and just other people in general) living the life of Riley (does anyone know who Riley is and why his life is so good?) without a care in the world, it really starts to get me down. I especially can't deal and have no patience for people complaining about things like how terrible their hair turned out, or that their eyebrows are wonky today. If that's all you have to worry about, then you're living a pretty blessed life. I will never forget how it felt to look in a mirror and not see myself looking back, but an alien instead. Completely bald all over, no hair, no brows, no lashes, deathly pale, thin, weak, a shell. That is what ugly feels like. To have everything that makes you 'you', taken away against your will.

I live in fear every day of having to go through that again, or worse. 

I'm getting a bit sidetracked. What I'm trying to say is that every day is hard. And it's hard not to beat myself myself up about the fact I can't do what everyone else does. That my body and life is forever changed and I can't go back to how I was before. Accepting that is difficult. I get angry and frustrated at not having the energy to do something. There is so much more I want and plan to do with this blog - projects, DIYs, crafts, an online shop, but the amount I can do at any one time is tiny. It feels overwhelming, like an impossible task sometimes, that I'll never manage to achieve. I have to repeatedly remind myself that I haven't just had a cold or 'flu - I am recovering from a life-threatening illness, which may return. 

When I put it all into context, I realise just how far I've come and that what I am managing to do, I should be proud of. Living with the physical and psychological impact of cancer is a huge task. It takes a lot for me post anything, let alone share personal thoughts. My posts may seem silly and like nothing to some, but to me it's putting tiny pieces of myself back together. It's learning how to live again. 

It may not be in line or keeping pace with the majority of people out there - comparatively I'm moving at a snail's pace. But it's my pace. I'm doing all I can and I have to remember that that's OK

xx


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8 comments:

  1. You're an amazing lady :) Don't worry what anyone else is doing, it's all pretty irrelevant. I can't even begin to imagine all the pain and heartache you've been through! Stay strong and take each day as it comes xxx

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    1. Thanks so much, Chloe. Some days I feel like jacking it all in, but I shall persevere! xx

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  2. What a beautifully honest post. Thank you for this. I have only just found your blog and this is the first post I've read but my mother is currently battling untreatable cancer which is a re occurrence from 15 years ago. This little snippet of your life and how everything youve been through has effected you on a daily basis makes me feel a bit better about the whole blogging/internet thing I've stopped reading a lot blogs and watching YouTube videos as it all started to seem rather insignificant and I'm not even the one going through it! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more of you blog. I hope you get stronger and feel more like you soon xxx

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    1. Thanks, Larissa. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum - how awful :( Cancer is such an evil beast. I hope she isn't suffering and is getting the best care. I could write pages on how it affects me daily, but I still couldn't convey it adequately - this is just a snippet. It is always good to take a step back and remember what is really important. Comparing ourselves and competing with others definitely isn't.
      So glad you found my blog - hope you enjoy reading my other posts :) Lots of love to you, your mum and your family xx

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  3. I feel the same with my blog. I'm 30, have bpd (which makes blogging.. temperamental), ork full time and find it all a bit of a struggle. Everyone else seems so young and savvy when it comes to the tech stuff.

    Just remember that you have an awesome blog, a beautiful cat and that you're truly inspiring with how far you've come. That and we're all her for you.

    Lisa x (@cthulhuwakes)

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only who feels this way, but sad that you have to face struggles too! The tech stuff is where I really fall behind - I just don't have a clue and can't afford to pay someone to do it for me, more's the pity.
      Thanks so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it :) xx

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  4. Although I have not had cancer (luckily, and so sorry to hear that you did!), I can totally relate. I have had ME or CFS my whole life and lead a 'small' snail paced life. What exhausts me is nothing to others, what stress me out is nothing to others… Comparing myself to others can make me feel sad and so limited.

    But on the other hand: I am alive, making something of every moment and succeeding quite ok with that, in a stress snail way;-),

    I hope you are ok and able to count and enjoy your blessings. And to accept whenever you cannot;-).

    Being happy is a talent.

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    1. It is a real struggle, isn't it? And one that 'normal' people just cannot comprehend. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer this way too. I absolutely count my blessings, every day. There is a lot to be frustrated about, but also a lot to be incredibly thankful for xo

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