Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Change, Moving On, and Bricking It




They say that you should do something every day that scares you. That's a tad extreme if you ask me, but I do believe that we should try to push ourselves. I've been pretty rubbish at that over the past few months - partly due to health reasons and partly because I get so anxious and stressed when I have to face difficult decisions.

The decision I'm referring to is regarding my job. Before I was diagnosed, I had been working in a busy office at a college for about six or seven years. To be blunt, I hated it. I fell into it after uni and for whatever reason ended up staying there way longer than intended. 

When I went off sick, my length of service allowed me a decent illness pay, so I didn't have to worry too much about money. But once that ran out, things got tough. I don't know how people manage to scam the system and receive hundreds of pounds a week in benefits, because I've had a legitimate, horrific disease and the only benefit I've been given is a measly £70 a week. Of course I'm thankful for any help at all, but seriously? That's barely even enough to do the weekly shop. Frankly, I think it's disgraceful that people who really need the help and have always worked, paid their taxes etc are left out on a limb when something terrible happens. Hannes has been supporting us both and we just about make ends meet, but it is starting to be a real struggle, not to mention how guilty it makes me feel.

The benefit I received is only payable for a year, so as of next week I am back to having zero income. This has been stressing me out big time, especially as I know that the college I'm still employed by needs someone to do my job and have been getting by with temps. 

I could have resigned at any point, but for some reason I held off. Knowing there was a job for me, however much I hated it, gave me a sense of security, a guaranteed income. But I know that my ongoing health concerns mean that I cannot do that job any more - I would run myself into the ground and make myself miserable and ill. My energy levels are just not able to cope with a demanding full time job. But still, the temptation of knowing that in theory I could go back, that I could be earning £19k a year and could afford to buy all the pretty things I lust after...it almost made it seem worthwhile.

But you know what? Nothing is worth that. Nothing is worth feeling miserable every day for, or making yourself sick over. Cancer taught me just how fragile life is and that there are no guarantees for any of us. There is more to life than earning money in a soul destroying job and I intend to live mine the way I've always wanted to and the way I always should have.

So, yesterday, I took a deep breath and told my boss that I'm not going back. 

Boom.

I've always wanted to pursue my creative interests and now I feel that I can. It's now or never. And I am also now free to find a part time job, with hours that I can actually manage and leave me enough time to live my life. Whilst slaving away full time, I never thought I'd be able to survive on any less than I was being paid. Now I realise it's precisely that fear which is holding so many people back from doing what they really want. Not me. Not any more. I have to make a go of this, whilst I have the opportunity. There's no way I could do this without Hannes' support and for that I am eternally grateful. 

So over the coming months I'll be working on my creative pursuits, which will include an online shop selling various bits and pieces of artwork, handmade items, vintage and whatever else I come up with. I'll be sharing snippets here and will no doubt need help and advice, so if anyone's a whizz with online/computer shenanigans...hello!

Sorry for the ramble - I felt like I just needed to get all that out. It's scary knowing I no longer have that job security, but also exciting. I don't generally like change, so I'm interested to see how I handle all this! Oh and, the photo at the top has nothing to do with the post - other than it's me, today, to mark the start of something.

I hope you'll stick around, folks and share this new chapter with me.

xx


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16 comments:

  1. very brave, hope it all works out for you
    http://thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/thoughts-of-week.html

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  2. Good for you!!
    I completely empathise with you. Not the illness part, no one can do that, and I certainly can't. But the owkring a job you hate, for money it's not worth and just not breaking free. That's my every waking moment. I made decisions in life that lead me down the path of what I was best at, not what made me the happiest. Now I'm committed to a job I hate, for reasonably good money, working with people I can't stand all because I am good at it. I could leave, it is possible, but I have long term goals that I believe will make me happy and I want to work towards them and this job allows that with the good money.
    Being in a relationship is great for support but compromise can also be an issue. I have no problem with it, but I see it as my happiness has to wait for the sake of another persons happiness. OK, completely selfish on my part, but what's life with no happiness...

    I guess that's been on my mind. I apologise for unloading it here.

    Seriously though! good for you! I hope you enjoy your creative endeavours and even if they don't work out at the start I hope they bring you happiness!

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    1. It is tough to make life decisions! And yes there certainly have to be compromises sometimes. I hope sticking with your job leads you to the places and things you want! You definitely need to find ways to bring happiness into your life otherwise yes - what's the point. Thanks for sharing, do something nice for yourself today please :) xx

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  3. I'm blown away by your bravery. I'm stuck in a rut with my job now and really need the push to get out. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you! Lisa xx
    (@CthulhuWakes ~ astarfellonher.wordpress.com)

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    1. It's funny when people call me brave, because I don't feel brave at all! I'm a scared mess most of the time! Make those changes, girl - one life to live, do it right! xo

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  4. Very brave and really exciting .. GO YOU!!!!!!! I'm stuck in an office job that I'm not overly happy in as well and I fear I always will be! That's why I love my blog so much having a creative outlet is so amazing and keeps me sane!

    Don't even get me started on benefits .. reading those magazine articles about people who earn £20k plus a year on benefits when they don't need them .. GRRRRRRRR! I know people who've needed benefits for genuine reasons after being employed and paying taxes all their lives to be given barely anything, it's so so wrong!

    x

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    1. Right? It makes me really angry - like I haven't been through enough?!
      Don't get stuck in your job, hon! If you realise you don't want to be there longterm, that's the first step. It's so hard thinking about 'what you really want to do' (ugh!), but if you can, make little steps towards something new. LIfe is definitely too short to stick out a job you don't enjoy xo

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  5. I long ago realised that the nine-to-five was not for me. I used to work a four-day week then, six years ago, I quit regular work altogether. Now I have a contract job, which I love, two-three days a week on average, one in the office, the rest at home or wherever I am. Even though I enjoy it, I'd never want to go back to full-time work again.

    You're right that it is fear that stops people fulfilling their dreams. Fear held me back for many, many years before I finally took the plunge. Even now, there's uncertainty, but I'm forging my own path and wouldn't have it any other way.

    Good luck and well done for taking the plunge!

    Brian.

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    1. Good for you! That sounds lovely and is exactly the kind of balance I'd like too x

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  6. Congratulations! What you've done is so incredibly brave, and I am sending lots of well wishes and positive vibes your way. I can't wait to see what you'll have in your shop!

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    1. Thanks very much! I really hope it all works out! Eep! x

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  7. I am in a similar (but not quite) boat as well. I have had an office job for two years and I absolutely loathe it. I thought for a while it was just the place I work, but now I firmly believe I am just not cut out for office work because hen I would search for other jobs, I kept giving excuses over why I didn't want to apply. I have decided to make a change, now I just have to get my husband on board... Best of luck to you!

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    1. Go for it, girl! Deciding to make a change is a big step in itself, so well done! I hope your husband supports your decision, but ultimately do what is right for YOU. Good luck! x

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  8. You are truly so inspiring. I wish you the best in all your endeavors.
    I'm excited to see what things you can come up in your shop. I'm pretty computer savvy, so if there's any help you need ever, just let me know <3

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    1. Ohh, thanks so much Dee! I will definitely be needing help! That's so lovely of you to offer <3 xoxo

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